Forget Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her five stages of grief and her umlaut. What did that chick know about grief? She never got rejected by national TV.
When it comes to this kind of profound heartbreak, you’re on your own. Try these steps:
1) Go around saying you’ve had creative differences with the director. Oh, yes, Errol Morris. Yeah, the famous documentary director. Well, you see, Errol wanted me to do the whole star trip, but I just wasn’t into it. I’m too, like, unpretentious and grounded.
2) If no one believes this, since your friends are all a bunch of I-told-you-so, reality-based harpies, deny you were spending three-quarters of your waking hours talking about your national TV debut and imminent stardom. Ask if they’re taking their meds, since that may be interfering with their memory. If necessary, make new friends.
3) Listen to “I Will Survive” 157 times at top volume. Lip-synch the words. Then, when they’re memorized, belt them out. GO! WALK OUT THE DOOR! … YOU’RE NOT WELCOME ANY MORE (ERROL)!
4) Remind self that people can’t stand being around bitter, obsessive, whining losers. What a turn-off!
5) Examine possibility of age-discrimination lawsuit.
6) Take time out for fun. Watch Sarah Palin’s speech. Scream at the TV. Wonder why Sarah Palin is on national TV and you’re not. Criticize her hair.
7) You know those people who can’t stand being around bitter, obsessive losers? Yeah, well, too bad. Screw’em.
(Copyright 2008 by Ruth Pennebaker)