Hang around with the right people and you’ll find brilliant ideas everywhere. I say that because I posted last week about throwing up my hands about dealing with an evil, manipulative insurance company and how I simply lacked the energy or fortitude to do battle with them over small amounts of money. (I don’t like to publicly label myself as a defeatist wimp, but fair is fair.)
Anyway, my friend Jane Boursaw, who writes the very savvy, informative film and TV blog Film Gecko, commented with a swell idea. If it takes too much of your time and good vibes to deal with wretched companies, Jane reasoned, why not hire someone who’s good at it? Why not Hire an Asshole?
Now, I might be a total slug when it comes to dealing with big corporations, but — if I do say so myself — I know a great idea when it gets dumped in my lap or my comments section. Hire an Asshole — what a wonderful idea! Why wear yourself out, why grind and gnash your own teeth to nubs, when you can employ somebody who enjoys doing battle and is good at it? (“I don’t get tough, Mr. Gittes,” Faye Dunaway tells Jack Nicholson in Chinatown, her voice a purr. “My lawyer does.” I’ve always longed to say those words.)
But when, specifically, would you want to Hire an Asshole? I asked other blogging friends. As it turns out, they wanted to hire lots of assholes:
“Hmmm, so many options for needing an asshole in my life. Dealing with just about anyone in the medical profession or banking industry would be mine.” — Jane Boursaw, again
“DMV, insurance, INTERNET SERVICE!, insurance.” — food blogger
“Can you please rent me an asshole to go out and pull people out of their cars and beat them senseless when they cut into the front of a line on the highway exit, the line you’ve been (patiently?) waiting on for the last 20 minutes? Or how about renting me an asshole to sit on the telephone for a half-hour while I get switched from department to department on an automated phone call, finally get the extension I need, and then get disconnected? Oh, and I also need to rent an asshole to go out and give the dog shit back to the person who let their dog leave theirs all over my lawn.” — health blogger
“I need an eldercare asshole. Honestly, if one more eldercare ‘professional’ hands me the ‘Senior Blue Book’ as if it will magically solve all my eldercare issues or answer my specific eldercare questions, I may just implode. So, I would need an asshole to either A) take a blow torch to the famed ‘Senior Blue Book’ or B) rattle some cages until I got the help and answers I needed.” – Roxanne Hawn, pet blogger at Champion of My Heart
“I would like an asshole to shake down the people who send me all of the spam scams. I’ve gotten spam from the pretend UPS, IRS, various banks, various internet providers and so on this week. I think said asshole should organize a chain letter writing campaign so these spammers get a chain letter every day that tells them to forward it to 100 friends or a slow horrible death, early wrinkles, senility and dozens of other things will come their way. “ – relationships blogger
“I need one for the neighbors who kept putting their estate sale sign on my lawn, without asking. If they had asked I would have said yes, but they just plopped it on my lawn. These are the ‘neighbors’ (and I use the word lightly) who live across the street in a gated community all their own. We kept picking it up and putting on their grass across the street and they kept moving it back. Once the sale was over, they then hammered in a sign offering a vacant lot for sale down their little lane on my front lawn. I pulled that out and threw it on their grass across the street. I’ve never met these people, don’t even know their names.” — crafts and cooking blogger
“To deal with idiot cable TV providers, credit card companies who use an entirely different math system than the rest of us, and the lady in line behind me at the grocery store who moves into position while I’m still finishing my transaction.” — travel blogger
“I’d rent an asshole to be my collections agency.” — freelance writing blogger
Well! I think that’s been very helpful! In this terrible economy, it’s good to know there’s a booming job market for assholes, at least.
The funny thing is, at the last moment, I got an unsolicited email from another source. Here it is: “I’d like to hire an asshole to call a woman I sexually harassed in the workplace and suggest she apologize to me.” — anonymous U.S. Supreme Court justice
Interesting email, wouldn’t you say? It has the sound of a man who’s just about to get lucky.
(Copyright 2010 by Ruth Pennebaker)
Read one of my favorite posts about wondering how many decades I’ve loudly mispronounced a certain word