You know the old saying: You can’t begin to understand another person until you’ve spent some time in his shoes.
Today, I’m casting off my usual self — that tired, old liberal whose heart leaks blood and oozes sympathy, the woman who plans to send money to the disaster in Haiti and has never managed to vote her pocketbook in decades of elections. Enough with her.
Today, I am Pat Robertson. I am wearing his shoes. They are Ferragamos.
10:17 AM I wake up. I am very tired. I pray. God tells me I am exhausted from doing His work and should go back to sleep. “Thy will be done,” I say and turn over.
11: 44 AM I wake up again, more refreshed. As usual, God was right. I have been dreaming of the earth churning, buildings collapsing, people dead. Could it be — o, praise the Lord! — Armageddon? I am ready for it, Lord! Unfortunately, I am a bit deaf and may have difficulty hearing the wails of the damned. I pray for God to improve my hearing.
11:46 AM I turn on Fox News. I am bitterly disappointed. It isn’t Armageddon, after all. It’s just the continuing story of all those worthless sinners in Haiti getting wiped out. How long will the news media (even Fox!) keep up its endless bleating about this “tragedy”? Make a note to pray to God to send an earthquake to Cuba next time.
12:01 I see I am in the news once again as I labor selflessly to speak about God’s will and His righteous wrath toward the despicable and loathsome. It is my cross and my duty; I accept it, Lord — even the calumny. “Why doesn’t God strike down the rich, the comfortable, the smug, instead?” my persecutors cry in a clammy chorus of self-righteousness. Oh, ye of little faith! Don’t you see that God is always testing the best of us — even me? That is why we have a Negro in the White House.
1:30 PM I go outside. It is a beautiful day. This is because God loves me.
1:31 PM Unfortunately, I am in New York City, the center of all things heinous, wicked and vile. You see what I mean? God is still testing me. I go to lunch at the Four Seasons. I am meeting that new Fox commentator, Sarah Palin. When we get a really good table, I realize I am doubly blessed.
1:32 PM In a loud whisper, Sarah announces she thinks our waiter is a homosexual. Since there are no homosexuals in Alaska, Sarah says, she used to have trouble recognizing them. After spending more time in this God-free zone of iniquity, though, she can now spot them in a fast, unerring way: Any man who doesn’t desire her is a sodomite. She and I bow our heads to pray to God to smite them all, just like the Haitians.
1:33 PM After we say amen, I mention to Sarah that I desire her. She winks at me and says she isn’t surprised, since I don’t look like a faggot. We hold hands and pray again for strength not to sin.
3:02 PM I walk through Central Park. I am filled with loathing. All these idlers sitting in the sun, ignoring the fact God is going to be punishing them for eternity any minute now! Those shameless, lust-filled couples who can’t wait to get back to their apartments and fornicate! Those godless toddlers in their prams whose mothers are clearly too busy pursuing their own tawdry, self-aggrandizing careers to bring up their own children, so they have left them in the dark, unseemly hands of their hired help, who are doubtlessly illegal aliens.
3:33 PM I recover from my tortured half-hour of doubting God’s plan for the world. My suffering has been so great! I make a mental note to alert the INS about all the nannies in Central Park. I will also loudly urge Yale Law School, my troubled alma mater, to stop admitting women into their classes so they will criminally neglect their future children. Praise Jesus.
4:17 PM I am still in New York, so God is still testing me. I recall my wonderful talk with Sarah about God sending a message to New York City on September 11. If God hadn’t wanted to punish godless liberals, then He would have had the terrorists attack a righteous, God-fearing metropolis like Oklahoma City, Sarah said. She is such a brilliant, insightful woman! I pray for her to outlive Katie Couric for a long, long time.
5:03 PM I arrive back at my hotel. I am sick of the iniquity, the atrocity of the secular world, the untrammeled sin! I turn on Fox news and they’re still talking about Haiti, Haiti, Haiti. Thousands may be dead, the Fox newspeople say. They try to look serious, but I know they think it’s as amusing as I do. I pray, once again, for Armageddon to occur in the waning moments of my lifetime. (Perhaps Haiti is only a start!) Then I take a nap, for I am tired. I sleep the deep, untroubled sleep of the just.
(Copyright 2010 by Ruth Pennebaker)
Read one of my favorite posts about Elizabeth and John Edwards
Oh my gosh! This is pure genius!
Oh my gosh, this is genius! Hysterical genius at that!
Very funny, Ruth, but quite probably a true reflection of the vile, loathsome creature that he is.
So awesome! Love it–both the content and the idea.
When I come up for air, I’ll tell you just how hysterical this is!
Good old Pat.
Must have been torture to write, Ruth, but the truth shall set ye free.
I loved Keith Olbermann’s ode to Robertson, said with feeling:
“Sir, because of your tone deafness and your delight in human misery and your dripping, self satisfied, holier-than-thou, senile crap, I’m now likely to believe that you are the Devil.“
This is brilliant. I especially loved the part about Sarah Palin’s reply.
You must be cough, cough, exhausted!
I love your blog. I may start stalking you!
I really like my God better than his God.
I absolutely love this.
This is funny, even hilarious — but in a sad sort of way…
Now, sinner that I am, I am off to donate money to those poor people in Haiti…
Very well done.
I laughed until my face hurt. Wonderful as always!
Thank you Mr. Robertson for a truly informative guest blog!
By the way, Pat, does Ms. Palin yet know that in your Texas alter-life, a Mr. Pennebaker has sired two beloved offspring with you? Poor, myopic Sarah, does she even know whom she governed? Evidently, she has failed to notice The Last Frontier Men’s Club down in Anchorage– or understood its membership.
When she does, The walls of Fox News will crumble like Jericho.
Hilarious! But sad, very sad.
How wonderful that you can be so funny about such a disgusting creature.
I’m with Jennifer on this one. It’s funny and well-written. You’re an excellent, funny, writer. But it’s almost uncomfortable to read because of the content… the truth in the joking..
Well thought out Ruth, as usual. All I could think is:
Is it JUDGEMENT Day? I think for these people it is every day. And, I don’t know, maybe I am missing something but didn’t Jesus give us an eleventh commandment?
Thou shalt not judge.
Oh, tragically funny.
Ruth, you so nailed him. Thank you for the time and talent it took to expose that hurtful, cruel, self-righteous waste of breath of a man. Shame on him. In your honor, I am now going to make a second donation to those poor souls in Haiti.
As luck (?) would have it, I was given the task late afternoon Saturday to fill the next day the pulpit of an ill pastor, who had plannned on speaking on the question, “Does Evil Exist?” Although tempted to say simply, “Yes,” and sit down, I did explore the issue. In describing our modern Old Testament prophet Pat, I noted that I found evil, but in his words, not in the movement of tectonic plates. A retired Episcopal priest, visiting in congregation that day, thanked me afterwards.
As a Christian, I am embarrassed and saddened by Robertson.
Perfect but sadly too close to the truth!