IF WRITERS COMPETED IN THE OLYMPICS: A HORROR STORY

BOB: Chris, what can you tell me about today’s competitors from Team USA for the writers’ marathon?

CHRIS: Well, Bob — right here, you’ll see one of our contenders from Austin, Texas.  Of course, she’s never won anything before.  Not even a Pulitzer.  Not even nominated for a Pulitzer!  And she’s 58.  But you don’t have to be young to be a writer.  In fact, you don’t even have to be sober.

BOB:  Fifty-eight?  But she looks … older.

CHRIS (sagely): That’s what years of rejection will do.  Also, lack of Vitamin D.  Writers stay indoors all the time.  That’s why she’s so pale.

BOB: Can you tell me what she’s doing now?

CHRIS: Well, she’s just sitting at the computer and making faces.

BOB: Oh, yeah.  I see.  So, is she … sane?

CHRIS: For a writer, yes.

BOB: Huh.  She seems to spend a lot of time on the Internet.  How many times a day does she check her email, anyway?

CHRIS (chuckling): You think that’s bad?  Wait till she starts talking to her cat.

BOB: And what’s she wearing?  Doesn’t the writers’ team have uniforms?  That looks like a dirty sweatsuit she’s wearing.

CHRIS: Trust me, Bob.  It’s better than what they usually wear.  Some of them spend the day in pajamas.

BOB (excitedly): Wait a minute!  I think she’s starting to write.

CHRIS: You’re right, Bob!  She’s definitely beginning something.  Look at her fingers fly!

BOB: Oh, wow!  She’s off to a really great start.

CHRIS: There’s a muse around here somewhere!  Have you ever seen anything like it?

(DRAMATIC PAUSE)

BOB: She just stopped, Chris.  She’s back on the Internet.

CHRIS (wearily): I know.  She had a really strong start in that first paragraph.  Then she just quit.  Did you see that last sentence she wrote? 

BOB (shaking his head, sadly): Yeah, it was pretty bad.  Her head’s just not into it.  And her posture!  It’s kind of like she has a “Kick me!” sign on her back.

CHRIS: That’s a writer’s posture, Bob.  It’s pretty typical.  They’re a sad, bitter bunch.

BOB: But, wait.  Where’s she going now?

CHRIS: To the kitchen.  To heat up her coffee in the microwave.  She’ll probably load the dishwasher while she’s in there, too.  She always does that when she’s blocked.  It’s funny.  She’s blocked a lot.  But her kitchen’s still a pretty big mess.  Go figure.

BOB: You know, Chris, I’ve added it up in my head again and again.  I just can’t see her pulling this off.  Have you seen that Chinese writer?  She’s already written a novel in 20 minutes.  She looks confident.  She looks like a winner.  She –

CHRIS: Hold on!  Team USA is just coming back from the kitchen!  She’s –

BOB (horrified):  She’s deleting everything she’s written.  Now she’s banging her head against the computer.  Screaming and crying and –

CHRIS: That’s a warm-up, Bob.  She may still have a chance in this race.

BOB: But … what if she doesn’t medal?  What will she do then?  Bang her head some more?

CHRIS: Nope.  She’ll just write about it.  These people love to write about suffering and rejection.

BOB: Kind of sad, isn’t it?  Let’s get back to gymnastics.

(Copyright 2008 by Ruth Pennebaker)

Tagged as: being judged, olympics, writers