Sometimes, I just stare at CNN headlines like this:
Report: Victims may have taunted tiger
Wild dogs attack 12-year-old girl
Screwdriver into skull barely hurts girl
Boy finds knife in Christmas present, family claims
Who are the people who write these headlines? If you’re a writer, you know you never get to write your own headlines — but you usually get blamed for them, anyway. Since I’ve never written a headline in my life and CNN isn’t hanging around, writing about what goes on at our house, I’ve decided to write my own headlines about what’s going on chez us these days. To wit:
Despite repeated attempts at cleaning, family’s kitchen remains littered with dirty glasses and dishes.
Young adult male tries to set world record sitting in front of TV set and not moving.
After announcing she was going to spend holiday week exercising and getting into shape, family matriarch has yet to be seen at the gym.
Normally mild-mannered fifty-something man is reduced to screaming fits when he can’t find the battery of his laptop computer.
Four-member family sets American record by “making do” with only three cars. Bitter recriminations and accusations are only “part of the fun of leaving a smaller carbon tireprint,” family says.
Man loudly accuses wife of negligently losing laptop battery. Says she “doesn’t understand importance of technology and never will.”
Semi-adult children hint their parents lead boring lives and go to bed too early.
Kitchen still filthy after all these days. No wonder family has a roach problem, experts say.
Woman claims husband’s demented screams about laptop computer battery were “this close to wife-beating, if you know what I mean.”
Semi-adult daughter looks through mom’s closet. Claims there’s nothing worth borrowing.
Laptop battery found in wife’s purse. Couple reaches uneasy technological rapprochement.
Household is quiet. This is because: It’s 11 p.m. Parents are already asleep. Kids have just left for night on the town.
(Copyright 2007 by Ruth Pennebaker)
