Comments on: Grief and Lightness http://www.geezersisters.com/aging/grief-and-lightness Austin, Texas novelist Ruth Pennebaker, who's old enough to call herself "fabulous," writes about family, politics, marriage, friendship, feminism, aging and whatever else occurs to her. Her upcoming novel, Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakthrough, will be published by Berkley in January 2011. Tue, 27 Jul 2010 23:23:58 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc By: rachelbirds http://www.geezersisters.com/aging/grief-and-lightness/comment-page-1#comment-857 rachelbirds Tue, 02 Dec 2008 14:15:10 +0000 http://www.geezersisters.com/?p=880#comment-857 Plan ahead, I say -- I won't have any  bad hymns sung at my service. www.thehaikudiaries.wordpress.com Plan ahead, I say –
I won’t have any  bad hymns
sung at my service.

http://www.thehaikudiaries.wordpress.com

]]> By: Steve http://www.geezersisters.com/aging/grief-and-lightness/comment-page-1#comment-842 Steve Wed, 26 Nov 2008 19:45:29 +0000 http://www.geezersisters.com/?p=880#comment-842 As a person whom you’ve described as “religious,”  (I don’t think of myself in those terms),  I can say that belief in heaven, while providing <em>some</em> comfort, really isn’t that important.  The 20-person  adult Sunday school class I lead in a Methodist church surprised me recently in a conversation about this.  I asked, “What happens when you die?” and not a single person around the circle answered with “You go to heaven.”  I concluded that they, like me, found that notion so ultimately unknowable that it was not particularly relevant to the faith. Rather, our faith empowers and directs how we live this life; what follows is what follows.  The class conversation lead to a conversation at home with my 88-year old father, who participates in the class.  Near the end of his own life, he was speculating about whether he would see my mother again, whether they would recognize each other, and whether he could then seek and receive her forgiveness (he didn’t identify the offense(s)).  I told him that I can’t imagine anything I could aptly call “paradise” or “heaven” that included worrying about old grievances.  It doesn’t make sense,  and it sure doesn’t sound like heaven. On the other hand, belief in <em>something</em> is a comfort if only because the alternative is so discomforting.  Personally, I found  the great nothingness  enveloping the land in <em> The Neverending Story </em>(a terrific book but AWFUL movie) far more frightening than Dante’s vision of hell (which informs the image most Christians have of hell far more than what scripture has to say).  The belief in <em>something </em>is where I usually find my comfort at a funeral, celebrating a life while contemplating the assurance that <em>something</em> else follows, but we can’t know what ‘til we get there ourselves. As a person whom you’ve described as “religious,”  (I don’t think of myself in those terms),  I can say that belief in heaven, while providing some comfort, really isn’t that important.  The 20-person  adult Sunday school class I lead in a Methodist church surprised me recently in a conversation about this.  I asked, “What happens when you die?” and not a single person around the circle answered with “You go to heaven.”  I concluded that they, like me, found that notion so ultimately unknowable that it was not particularly relevant to the faith. Rather, our faith empowers and directs how we live this life; what follows is what follows. 
The class conversation lead to a conversation at home with my 88-year old father, who participates in the class.  Near the end of his own life, he was speculating about whether he would see my mother again, whether they would recognize each other, and whether he could then seek and receive her forgiveness (he didn’t identify the offense(s)).  I told him that I can’t imagine anything I could aptly call “paradise” or “heaven” that included worrying about old grievances.  It doesn’t make sense,  and it sure doesn’t sound like heaven.
On the other hand, belief in something is a comfort if only because the alternative is so discomforting.  Personally, I found  the great nothingness  enveloping the land in  The Neverending Story (a terrific book but AWFUL movie) far more frightening than Dante’s vision of hell (which informs the image most Christians have of hell far more than what scripture has to say).  The belief in something is where I usually find my comfort at a funeral, celebrating a life while contemplating the assurance that something else follows, but we can’t know what ‘til we get there ourselves.

]]> By: Jean miller http://www.geezersisters.com/aging/grief-and-lightness/comment-page-1#comment-835 Jean miller Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:06:52 +0000 http://www.geezersisters.com/?p=880#comment-835 At my father's funeral, the priest eulogized a man none of us, his five children, recognized.  Later, while enjoying a few drinks at the reception following the service, he allowed as how he had been talking about the wrong dead guy.  Oops.  He thought it was pretty funny.  Actually, we sort of thought it was funny too.  At my father’s funeral, the priest eulogized a man none of us, his five children, recognized.  Later, while enjoying a few drinks at the reception following the service, he allowed as how he had been talking about the wrong dead guy.  Oops.  He thought it was pretty funny.  Actually, we sort of thought it was funny too. 

]]> By: Cindy http://www.geezersisters.com/aging/grief-and-lightness/comment-page-1#comment-834 Cindy Mon, 24 Nov 2008 03:20:34 +0000 http://www.geezersisters.com/?p=880#comment-834 Boy, Ruth, you really hit that nail on the head. We still talk in our office of the philosophic agnostic whose funeral in no way resembled the man we knew. Instead of asking any one of dozens of people who actually loved him to eulogize him, a blustery preacher got up and said something like, "I never met Jim, but have I got a salvation deal for you." After the service, we huddled outside the church in silence. We all knew that Jim would have been horrified by all the scripture and hymns and especially the salvation deal. Finally, someone said, "Who is this man they're burying today? I don't think it's our friend, Jim." Most of us drove home composing our own funeral script in our heads. I even picked out songs and thought about who could speak. But I never put it together and never gave it to my husband. Guess if you think about it long enough, funerals are for the comfort of the living. Maybe Jim's family needed to believe he was safely tucked away in some kind of euphoric afterlife until they could meet up with him later. They couldn't bear the possibility of nothingness. Come to think of it, neither can I. Boy, Ruth, you really hit that nail on the head. We still talk in our office of the philosophic agnostic whose funeral in no way resembled the man we knew. Instead of asking any one of dozens of people who actually loved him to eulogize him, a blustery preacher got up and said something like, “I never met Jim, but have I got a salvation deal for you.”

After the service, we huddled outside the church in silence. We all knew that Jim would have been horrified by all the scripture and hymns and especially the salvation deal. Finally, someone said, “Who is this man they’re burying today? I don’t think it’s our friend, Jim.”

Most of us drove home composing our own funeral script in our heads. I even picked out songs and thought about who could speak. But I never put it together and never gave it to my husband. Guess if you think about it long enough, funerals are for the comfort of the living. Maybe Jim’s family needed to believe he was safely tucked away in some kind of euphoric afterlife until they could meet up with him later. They couldn’t bear the possibility of nothingness. Come to think of it, neither can I.

]]> By: Joyce http://www.geezersisters.com/aging/grief-and-lightness/comment-page-1#comment-820 Joyce Sat, 22 Nov 2008 20:13:36 +0000 http://www.geezersisters.com/?p=880#comment-820 I always think it's a good idea to plan your own memorial service in advance, and to entrust the plans to someone you trust absolutely. That way, the process can't be hijacked by well-meaning but clueless people who might want to eulogize you as [for example] The Woman Whose Favorite Comic Strip Was "Love Is...," rather than "Doonesbury." Or who would have the organist play a prelude medley of Clay Aiken songs.  And who would hire a Baptist preacher who gives a come-to-Jesus altar call, right after consigning your soul to the heaven you were unsure of. I always think it’s a good idea to plan your own memorial service in advance, and to entrust the plans to someone you trust absolutely. That way, the process can’t be hijacked by well-meaning but clueless people who might want to eulogize you as [for example] The Woman Whose Favorite Comic Strip Was ”Love Is…,” rather than “Doonesbury.” Or who would have the organist play a prelude medley of Clay Aiken songs.  And who would hire a Baptist preacher who gives a come-to-Jesus altar call, right after consigning your soul to the heaven you were unsure of.

]]> By: Jean miller http://www.geezersisters.com/aging/grief-and-lightness/comment-page-1#comment-817 Jean miller Sat, 22 Nov 2008 15:52:59 +0000 http://www.geezersisters.com/?p=880#comment-817 <strong>A colleague is, as I write this, on the way to his elderly aunt's wake.  She is still alive, had planned her wake and didn't want to miss it.  I occasionally ruminate on my own funeral.  I'm afraid nobody will show up.  I'm thinking of sending a mass e-mail to let people know there'll be a monetary award to all attendees.  Collectible at the conclusion of the service.</strong> A colleague is, as I write this, on the way to his elderly aunt’s wake.  She is still alive, had planned her wake and didn’t want to miss it.  I occasionally ruminate on my own funeral.  I’m afraid nobody will show up.  I’m thinking of sending a mass e-mail to let people know there’ll be a monetary award to all attendees.  Collectible at the conclusion of the service.

]]>